Rain keeps fallin on my head

So while the title of this post has a literal meaning because it is raining here today, I am smart enough to stay inside and blog.It also has a figurative meaning as well. Lately I have been feeling a lot of different emotions about what has transpired over the last two weeks I feel as though it has been raining on me for days upon days. All of this was completely unexpected which  was very naive of all of us as we were all well aware that these kinds of things can happen, But things had gone so well for so long that everything was falling into place, No bumps in our road just smooth sailing. DUH you idiot nothing goes that well !!!!!! You know the saying If it seems too good to be true it usually is!!!! I'm am not going to apologize today for being such a pessimist because I just need to get it all out.I have been through a roller coaster of emotions daily and now I am just Angry, Not angry at the fact that all of this happened to us but just angry that it happens at all. I can not even begin to describe all of the feelings that one can have in time like this and I am very sure that everyone deals with it differently. But I personally have cried, out of sadness, out of anger and out of guilt. I say guilt not because I feel that I could have done anything different to change the outcome but out of guilt for having to bring my family and friends into it all with me especially my two children that just don't quite understand just what is going on with mommy.They are very aware that I am trying to help another family to have a baby but they don't understand mommy going to the Dr. so often and coming back upset or in pain. I am very saddened buy the fact that my 3 yr old was so scared that she felt the need to ask if I was going to die and go to heaven. I never wanted this to affect my family in this way.

 But with everything that has happened my feelings about being a gestational surrogate has not changed or wavered, I still want to continue this journey and help these amazing people that are now and forever a part of my life. And for that also I  feel guilt and a bit of selfishness. It is just that underneath all of the pain, sadness, and anger, I do know that this amazing journey can have a fairytale : And They Lived Happily Ever After ending.